36 Rules For Bands

1. Never start a trio with a married couple.
2. Your manager's not helping you. Fire him/her.
3. Before you sign a record deal, look up the word "recoupable" in the dictionary.
4. No one cares who you've opened for.\
5. A string section does not make your songs sound any more "important".
6. If your band has gone through more than 4 bass players, it's time to break up.
7. When you talk on stage you are never funny.
8. If you sound like another band, don't act like you're unfamiliar with their music ("Oh does Rage Against The Machine also do rap-rock with political lyrics?")
9. Asking a crowd how they're doing is just amplified small talk. Don't do it.
10. Don't say your video's being played if it's only on the Austin Music Network.
11. When you sign to a major label, claim to have inked the best contract ever. Mention "artistic freedom" and "a guaranteed 3 record deal".
12. When you get dropped insist that it was the worst contract ever and you asked to be let go.
13.Never name a song after your band.
14. Never name your band after a song.
15. When a drummer brings in his own songs and asks to perform one of them, begin looking for a new drummer IMMEDIATELY.
16. Never enter a "battle of the bands" contest. If you do you're already a loser.
17. Learn to recognize scary word pairings: "rock opera", "white rapper", "blues jam", "swing band", "open mike", etc.
18. Drummers can take off their shirts or they can wear gloves, but not both.
19. Listen, either break it to your parents or we will; it's rock 'n' roll, not a soccer game. They've gotta stop coming to your shows.
20. It's not a "showcase". It's a gig that doesn't pay.
21. No one cares that you have a web site.
22. Getting a tattoo is like sewing platform shoes to your feet.
23. Don't hire a publicist.
24. Playing in San Marcos & Alpine doesn't mean you're on tour.
25. Don't join a cover band that plays Bush songs. In fact, don't join a cover band.
26. Although they come in different styles and colours, electric guitars all sound the same. Why do you keep changing them between songs?
27. Don't stop your set to ask that beers be brought up. That's what girlfriends/boyfriends are for.("and/or lead singers!" -Timbo)
28. If you use a smoke machine your music sucks.
29. We can tell the difference between a professionally produced album cover and one you made with the iMac your mom got for Christmas.
30. Remember, if blues solos are so difficult, why can so many 16 year olds play them?
31. If you ever take a publicity photo, destroy it. You may never know where or when it will turn up.
32. Cut your hair, but do not shave your head.
33. Pierce your nose, but not your eyebrow.
34. Do not wear shorts onstage. Or a suit. Or a hat.
35. Rock oxymorons; "major label interest", "demo deal"," blues genius", "$500 guarantee", and "Fastball's second hit".
36. 3 things that are never coming back: a)gongs, b)headbands, and c)playing slide guitar with a beer bottle.

So, how many have YOU broken?

Let There Be Bass

In the beginning there was a bass. It was a Fender, probably a Precision, but it could have been a Jazz - nobody knows. Anyway, it was very old ... definitely pre-C.B.S.

And God looked down upon it and saw that it was good. He saw that it was very good in fact, and couldn't be improved on at all (though men would later try.) And so He let it be and He created a man to play the bass.

And lo the man looked upon the bass, which was a beautiful 'sunburst', and he loved it. He played upon the open E string and the note rang through the earth and reverberated throughout the firmaments (thus reverb came to be.) And it was good. And God heard that it was good and He smiled at his handiwork.

Then in the course of time, the man came to slap upon the bass. And lo it was funky.

And God heard this funkiness and He said, "Go man, go." And it was good.

And more time passed, and, having little else to do, the man came to practice upon the bass. And lo, the man came to have upon him a great set of chops. And he did play faster and faster until the notes rippled like a breeze through the heavens.

And God heard this sound which sounded something like the wind, which He had created earlier. It also sounded something like the movement of furniture, which He hadn't even created yet, and He was not so pleased. And He spoke to the man, saying "Don't do that!"

Now the man heard the voice of God, but he was so excited about his new ability that he slapped upon the bass a blizzard of funky notes. And the heavens shook with the sound, and the Angels ran about in confusion. (Some of the Angels started to dance, but that's another story.)

And God heard this - how could He miss it - and lo He became Bugged. And He spoke to the man, and He said, "Listen man, if I wanted Jimi Hendrix I would have created the guitar. Stick to the bass parts."

And the man heard the voice of God, and he knew not to mess with it. But now he had upon him a passion for playing fast and high. The man took the frets off of the bass which God had created. And the man did slide his fingers upon the fretless fingerboard and play melodies high upon the neck. And, in his excitement, the man did forget the commandment of the Lord, and he played a frenzy of high melodies and blindingly fast licks. And the heavens rocked with the assault and the earth shook, rattled and rolled.

Now God's wrath was great. And His voice was thunder as He spoke to the man.

And He said, "O.K. for you, pal. You have not heeded My word. Lo, I shall create a soprano saxophone and it shall play higher than you can even think of."

"And from out of the chaos I shall bring forth the drums. And they shall play so many notes thine head shall ache, and I shall make you to always stand next to the drummer."

"You think you're loud? I shall create a stack of Marshall guitar amps to make thine ears bleed. And I shall send down upon the earth other instruments, and lo, they shall all be able to play higher and faster than the bass."

"And for all the days of man, your curse shall be this; that all the other musicians shall look to you, the bass player, for the low notes. And if you play too high or fast all the other musicians shall say "Wow" but really they shall hate it. And they shall tell you you're ready for your solo career, and find other bass players for their bands. And for all your days if you want to play your fancy licks you shall have to sneak them in like a thief in the night."

"And if you finally do get to play a solo, everyone shall leave the bandstand and go to the bar for a drink."

And it was so.

Funny video clips

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The Priest Joke

Created by nebuchadnezzar

This is the most vicious shaggy dog story I've ever heard. I nearly killed a man over this. Use with caution, and more importantly, on people smaller than you.

A man is driving down a deserted country road when his car suddenly breaks down. He gets out and starts walking until he encounters a monastery. He knocks on the door and is let in by a little old priest. The priest takes the man in, giving him a place to stay for the night.

As the man is lying in his bed, he suddenly hears beautiful singing. It is the most beautiful sound he had ever heard, and it is emanating from somewhere within the monastery. He gets out of bed and searches the monastery for the rest of the night, but with no luck.

In the morning, as he is leaving the monastery, he asks the old priest, "What was the source of that beautiful singing? I searched for it all night but couldn't find it. Please tell me, I have to know!"

The priest responds, "I can't tell you that--you're not a priest."

Finding the source of the beautiful sound becomes the man's obsession, and so he decides to become a priest. He goes to a seminary and studies for years and years in order to become a priest. Finally, on the day he is ordained, he drives full speed back to the monastery. He knocks on the door and the old priest answers.

The man says to the old priest, "Now that I'm a priest, can you tell me the source of that beautiful singing?"

The old priest says, "Yes, take this key. The source is behind that door."

So the man unlocks the door and sees before him--an immense staircase, leading up so high he can't see the top, and so steep it's almost impossible to climb. So he starts climbing the staircase, he almost trips, he almost falls, he almost trips, he almost falls, and he finally gets to the top, where he finds a door--and it's locked. So he climbs back down the staircase, he almost falls, he almost trips, he almost falls, he almost trips, and he says to the old priest, "There's a door up there, and it's locked. Can I have the key?"

And the old priest says, "Of course! I forgot. Here is the key."

So the man climbs the staircase, he almost trips, he almost falls, he almost trips, he almost falls, he comes to the door, unlocks it, opens it, and sees before him--a vast forest. So he starts crossing the forest, he almost gets eaten by bears, he almost gets bitten by wolves, and he finally gets to the end of the forest where he finds a door--and it's locked. So he goes back through the forest, he almost gets bitten by wolves, he almost gets eaten by bears, he goes back down the staircase, he almost falls, he almost trips, he almost falls, he almost trips, and he says to the old priest, "There's a door up there, and it's locked. Can I have the key?"

And the old priest says, "Of course! I forgot. Here is the key."

So the man climbs the staircase, he almost trips, he almost falls, he almost trips, he almost falls, he crosses the forest, he almost gets eaten by bears, he almost gets bitten by wolves, he comes to the door, unlocks it, opens it, and sees before him--a huge ocean. So he goes back into the forest and collects some wood to make a raft. He gets on his raft and starts crossing the sea, he almost gets eaten by sharks, he almost gets stung by jellyfish, he almost DROWNS, and he finally gets to the other side of the ocean where he finds a door--and it's locked. So he goes back across the ocean, he almost DROWNS, he almost gets stung by jellyfish, he almost gets eaten by sharks, he goes back through the forest, he almost gets bitten by wolves, he almost gets eaten by bears, he goes back down the staircase, he almost falls, he almost trips, he almost falls, he almost trips, and he says to the old priest, "There's a door up there, and it's locked. Can I have the key?"

And the old priest says, "Of course! I forgot. Here is the key."

So the man climbs the staircase, he almost trips, he almost falls, he almost trips, he almost falls, he crosses the forest, he almost gets eaten by bears, he almost gets bitten by wolves, he gets on his raft and crosses the sea, he almost gets eaten by sharks, he almost gets stung by jellyfish, he almost DROWNS, he comes to the door, unlocks it, opens it, and sees before him--a huge desert. So he starts crossing the desert, he has to walk through sandstorms, he almost dies of thirst, and he finally gets to the end of the desert where he finds a door--and it's locked. So he goes back across the desert, he almost dies of thirst, he has to walk through sandstorms, he goes back across the ocean, he almost DROWNS, he almost gets stung by jellyfish, he almost gets eaten by sharks, he goes back through the forest, he almost gets bitten by wolves, he almost gets eaten by bears, he goes back down the staircase, he almost falls, he almost trips, he almost falls, he almost trips, and he says to the old priest, "There's a door up there, and it's locked. Can I have the key?"

And the old priest says, "Of course! I forgot. Here is the key."

So the man climbs the staircase, he almost trips, he almost falls, he almost trips, he almost falls, he crosses the forest, he almost gets eaten by bears, he almost gets bitten by wolves, he gets on his raft and crosses the sea, he almost gets eaten by sharks, he almost gets stung by jellyfish, he almost DROWNS, he crosses the desert, he has to walk through sandstorms, he almost dies of thirst, he comes to the door, unlocks it, opens it, and sees before him--an immense mountain. So he starts climbing the mountain, he almost gets crushed by avalanches, he almost FALLS OFF, and he finally gets to the top of the mountain where he finds a little hut. He can hear the beautiful singing coming from the hut right in front of him--but the door is locked. So he goes back down the mountain, he almost FALLS OFF, he almost gets crushed by avalanches, he goes back across the desert, he almost dies of thirst, he has to walk through sandstorms, he goes back across the ocean, he almost DROWNS, he almost gets stung by jellyfish, he almost gets eaten by sharks, he goes back through the forest, he almost gets bitten by wolves, he almost gets eaten by bears, he goes back down the staircase, he almost falls, he almost trips, he almost falls, he almost trips, and he says to the old priest, "There's a hut up there with the source of that beautiful sound in it, but it's locked. PLEASE, can I have the key?"

And the old priest says, "Of course! I forgot. Here is the key."

So the man climbs the staircase, he almost trips, he almost falls, he almost trips, he almost falls, he crosses the forest, he almost gets eaten by bears, he almost gets bitten by wolves, he gets on his raft and crosses the sea, he almost gets eaten by sharks, he almost gets stung by jellyfish, he almost DROWNS, he crosses the desert, he has to walk through sandstorms, he almost dies of thirst, he comes to the door, unlocks it, opens it, and sees before him--an immense mountain. So he starts climbing the mountain, he almost gets crushed by avalanches, he almost FALLS OFF, and he finally gets to the top of the mountain where he finds a little hut. The can hear the beautiful singing coming from the hut right in front of him. He puts the key in the lock, turns it, opens the door, and there in front of him is the source of the singing.

Now pause and wait for your audience to ask: "WHAT WAS IT?"

I can't tell you that--you're not a priest!

(Now run like hell.)

Singing Bird

While extolling the virtues of PETCRAFT to a pet shop owner in Manhattan, a elderly woman burst into the store. "I want to buy a canary, but it's got to be a good singer. I've got good, hard U.S. cash, but I'm only paying for a good singer."

The shop owner began moving a ladder towards a small cage on a shelf about fifteen feet up, near the ceiling of the store. "Ma'am, I'm forty years in this business. In that cage is the best singer I've ever seen."

"Don't think I'm gonna feel obligated to pay for something I don't want just because you're climbing up a ladder like a monkey. I want a canary but it's got to be a good singer."

By this point the shop keeper was coming down from the ladder. "Ma'am, this bird is a veritable feathered Caruso!" Placing the cage on the counter, the bird burst into melody after melody.

Awed the woman murmured, "This bird is a good singer." Suddenly in a shrill scream, "Hey, this bird's only got one leg."

The pet store owner was unperturbed, "Lady what do you want a singer or a dancer?"

Wedding Band Requests

Dear Bandleader thank you for your letter. I really do think you have anattitude problem and do want a few requests played if you don't mind. Whatme and my wife were thinking was:

-Any Keith Jarrett composition from his solo series. Please arrange forfull ensemble and nothing in 4/4 please.

-Mahavishnu Orchestra, Dance of the Maya and please have the guitar playerplay John Mcglaughlin's solo from the live performance Nov. 16, 1972 atChrysler Arena. My wife and I were at that show and particularly liked hisuse of polyrhythmics. If you find it too difficult you can leave out thefeedback. Your choice.

-John Coltrane's duets with Pharaoh Sanders. I understand that their use ofatonality is not everyone's cup of tea, but my guests are usually fond ofhigh register tenor saxes.

-We thought a little Stravinsky would be nice. We particularly like theRite of Spring. If you want to use the sheet music it's OK. My husbandlikes it about 1/4 note = 93 beats per minute.

-Then for the candle lighting ceremony, please learn Frank Zappa's "TheGreat Wazoo". If you want to play it in the originally B flat, that wouldbe OK. And yes, cousin Jeannie does want to sing the baritone sax solo.Please don't say no, it would hurt her feelings so.

-Finally we have built our own musical instruments (It's kind of a hobbywith us) and we would appreciate if you would use our instruments. None ofthem are based upon a 12 tone scale or on common harmonics, but our 5 yearold son tells us it's not really that hard to transpose once you understandthe physics.

We would be happy to pay each member an extra $25 for any inconvenience.Thank you and don't be late!

Mr. and Mrs. Snovly

Difference - Jokes

What's the difference between an oboe and an onion?
No one cries when you chop up an oboe.

What's the difference between a bassoon and a trampoline?
You take off your shoes when you jump on a trampoline.

"Mommy! Mommy! When I grow up I want to be a guitar player!"
"Now Johnny, you can't do both!"

Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get away from the bassoon recital.

A trombone player and an accordion player are playing a New Years's eve gig at a local club.. The place is packed and everybody is absolutely loving the music .. shortly after midnight, the club owner comes up to the duo and says, "You guys sound great .. everybody loves you .. I'd like to know if the two of you are free to come back here next New Year's eve to play ?? ...
The two musicians look at each other then to the club owner .. and the trombone player says "Sure .. we'd love to .. Is it OK if we leave our stuff here ??"

Why do clarinetists leave their cases on the dashboard?
So they can park in the handicapped zones.

What is "perfect pitch?"
When you lob a clarinet into a toilet without hitting the rim.

What's the definition of a nerd?
Someone who owns his own alto clarinet.

What do you call a bass clarinetist with half a brain?
Gifted.

What's the difference between a lawn mower and a soprano sax?
You can tune a lawn mower, and the neighbors are upset if you borrow a lawn mower and don't return it.

If you were lost in the woods, who would you trust for directions: an in-tune tenor sax player, an out of tune tenor sax player, or Santa Claus? The out of tune tenor sax player. The other two indicate you are hallucinating.

How do you make a chain saw sound like a baritone sax?
Add vibrato.

How many trumpet players does it take to change a lightbulb?
Five: one to handle the bulb, and the other four to tell him how much better they could've done it.

What do a vacuum cleaner and an electric guitar have in common ?
Both suck when you plug them in

How many lead guitarists does it take to change a light bulb ?
None...they just steal somebody else's light

What do you say to a guitar player in a 3-piece suit ?
"Will the defendant please rise ..."

Two guys were walking down the street ...one was destitute ...
the other was a guitar player as well ..

How is an orgasm like a drum solo?
You can tell it's coming but there's no way to stop it.

What do call a successful musician?
A guy whose wife/girlfriend has 2 jobs.

Saint Peter is checking in new arrivals in heaven

"What did you do on Earth?"
"I was a surgeon. I helped the lame to walk."
"Well, go right on in through the Pearly Gates"

"What did you do on Earth?"
"I was a school teacher. I taught the blind to see."
"Fine .. go right on in through the Pearly Gates!"

"What did you do on Earth?"
"I was a musician. I helped make sad people happy."
"You can load in through the kitchen."

Musician Jokes

How do you get two piccolo players to play in perfect unison?
Shoot one.

What's the difference between a fiddle and a violin ?
Who cares - neither one's a guitar

How do you know when the stage is level ?
The drummer is drooling out of both sides of his mouth ..

Did you hear about the guitarist who was in tune ?
Neither did I

Why are so many guitarists jokes one liners ?
So the rest of the band can understand them

What do you call a guitarist who breaks up with his girlfriend ?
Homeless ..

What's the definition of a minor second?
Two oboists playing in perfect unison.

How do you get a guitar player off of your front porch ?
Pay for the pizza.

How many guitar players does it take to cover a Stevie Ray Vaughn tune ?
Evidently all of them.

What do you do if your bassist is drowning?
Throw him his amp.

Trombonist's Dictionary

alto trombone - n. A very weak tenor trombone.
bass trombone - n.1-Several mutually exclusive instruments hooked together by an ingenious set of tubes, rotors, levers and valves. Capable of very loud, very rude noises accompanied by a percussive symphony of mechanical clanks, squeaks, squawks and whistles.2-The lead trumpet of the trombone family.
bass trombonist - n. The one in the section who couldn't develop any high range whatsoever as a young player and is now getting even by drowning everyone else out whenever he gets a chance.
bass trumpet - n. An instrument that combines all the worst features of the trumpet and the trombone.
conductor - n. One who has accepted the fact that he cannot play but has NOT accepted the reasons why.
contractor - n. Someone who cannot play, does not know it, but thinks he knows how OTHER people play.
doodle tongue - n. A rapid tonguing style that is too weak.
double tongue - n. A rapid tonguing style that is too strong.
embouchure - n. An ad hoc and ephemeral arrangement of the tissues of the face designed to allow a trombonist to play a desired note. Some players claim to have only one. They are the ones who can only play one note.
flexibility - n. A talent best left to gymnasts and contortionists.
fortissimo - adj. A trombonist's mezzo-piano.
free jazz - n. Jazz for which no one will pay any money.
F trigger-abbreviation - Originally used when the first one failed in the middle of a concert and the player was overheard to say "F*!@ing trigger as he tried to make it work.
gig bag - n. A container designed to collect and hold dents.
high range - n. The range above where you can comfortably play.
jazz club - n. A place where people pay a lot of money not to listen to jazz, most of which does not go to the musicians to whom they are not listening.
jazz festival - n. A place where people pay a lot of money not to listen to music that is not jazz in the first place.
jazz trombone - n. (also called peashooter, slipstick, small bore horn, and primitive blow stick) Any trombone that sounds bad below middle Bb and shrill above middle C.
lead trombonist - n. (also referred to as principal trombonist) The one in the section w/the worst middle and low range.
legato - adj. A style of playing midway between glissando and staccato. Rarely achieved on the slide trombone.
low range - n.1 - The ugly part.2 - The clumsy part.3 - The range below where you can comfortably play.
microphone - n. A mechanical device designed to collect and amplify the least pleasing 5% of the sound of a trombone.
middle range - n.
1 - The range in which you can be sure not to miss notes. Usually less than a minor third.
2 - The range in which you run out of excuses.
mouthpiece - n. A convenient excuse for missed notes.
mute - n. A device designed to render the already largely ignored trombone completely inaudible.
no pressure system - n. A way of playing the trombone that lets lots of air escape from around the rim of the mouthpiece.
orchestral trombone -n.
1 - Originally a medium sized horn used primarily in support of the woodwinds and strings.
2 - In contemporary times, a gigantic horn used primarily to drown out the woodwinds and strings.
3 - Also contemporarily, any trombone that is too large on which to comfortably play the trombone solo in Ravel's "Bolero".
pianissimo - adj. No definition available in a trombone dictionary.
pitch - n. What all the other instruments do not have.
rubato - adj. What most conductors consider a steady tempo.
second trombonist - n. The one in the section who can play well neither high not low.
single tongue - n. A rapid tonguing style that does not work.
solo - n. Something played by everyone but trombonists.
spit valve - n. A device invented to torture people who sit in front of trombonists.
staccato - adj., n. Notes short enough that you can't hear the slide glissando that occurs between them.
string players - n. The ones with the earplugs. (Also saxophonists in jazz big band situations.)
tenor trombone - n. A trombone that is neither capable of being played high enough or low enough to be easily heard.
trombone - n. a manually operated air driven pitch approximator.
1 - A puzzle in the shape of a brass instrument designed to totally defeat whomever is foolish enough to try to solve it.
2 - A brass instrument that is most often used as camouflage and support for bad trumpet and french horn players.
3 - The interior lineman in the game of music.
valve trombone - n.
1 - An oxymoron.
2 - A trombone for people with short arms, a weak tongue, bad pitch and/or little or no hand/eye/ear coordination.

Musician Jokes

A guitar player and a drummer are walking down the street.
They walk past this bar.............................. well, it could happen.

Q: What's the definiton of Perfect Pitch?
A: When you toss a banjo into a dumpster and it hits an accordion.

Q: How do you know when there's a harmonica player at the door?
A: He doesn't have the key, he just comes in whenever the hell he feels like it.

Q: What do you call a drummer without a girlfriend?
A: Homeless!

Q: What do you call 1,695 violins at the bottom of the ocean?
A: A good start!

Bad Singing - Joke

Miranda likes to sing, and whenever she begins, her husband heads outside.
Hurt and a little dejected, she asked him, "Don't you like my singing?"

"Of course, Dear," he replied. "I just want to make sure the neighbors know I'm not beating you."

Vocal jokes

Q: How do you tell when your lead singer is at the door?
A: He can't find the key and doesn't know when to come in.

Q: What is the difference between a Wagnerian soprano and an All-Pro offensive lineman?
A: Stage makeup.

Q: How many lead singers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One. He holds the bulb while the world revolves around him.

Q: What is the difference between a soprano and a Porsche?
A: Most musicians have never been inside a Porsche.

Q: Did you hear about the female opera singer who had quite a range at the lower end of the scale.
A: She was known as the deep C diva.

Q: What is the missing link between the bass and the ape?
A: The baritone.

Q: What is the difference between a Wagnerian soprano and a Wagnerian Tenor?
A: About 10 pounds.

Q: How can you tell when a tenor is really stupid?
A: When the other tenors notice.

Ever hear the one about the tenor who was so off-key that even the other tenors could tell?

Q: How many tenors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Six. One to do it, and five to say, "It's too high for him."

Q: What's the inscription on dead blues-singers tombstones?
A: "I didn't wake up this morning..."

Person 1: It must be terrible for an opera singer to realize that he can never sing again.
Person 2: Yes, but it's much more terrible if he doesn't realize it.

Q: Dad, why do the singers rock left and right while performing on stage?
A: Because, son, it is more difficult to hit a moving target.

Q: Mom, why do you always stand by the window when I practice for my singing lessons?
A: I don't want the neighbours to think I'm employing corporal punishment, dear.

Q: How many altos does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. They can't get up that high.

Q: How many lead singers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. Get the drummer to do it.

Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and, instead of bleeding, he sings.
This must be heaven
So this trumpet player dies. When he reaches is everlasting reward, the guy in the robe says, "You're going to spend eternity with this combo, okay? There's a bass player named 'Mingus' and a pianist named 'Monk', and any day now we expect this 'Blakey' guy to show up with his drums.

"Wow!" the guy says, "I never imagined heaven would be this good."

The man in the robe says, "This is hell, not heaven. There's a girl singer."
A Choristers' Guide To Keeping Conductors In Line
The basic training of every singer should, of course, include myriad types of practical and theoretical emphases. One important area which is often neglected, however, is the art of one-upmanship. The following rules are intended as guides to the development of habits which will promote the proper type of relationship between singer and conductor.

1. Never be satisfied with the starting pitch. If the conductor uses a pitch-pipe, make known your preference for pitches from the piano and vice-versa.

2. Complain about the temperature of the rehearsal room, the lighting, crowded space, and of a draft. It's best to do this when the conductor is under pressure.

3. Bury your head in the music just before cues.

4. Ask for a re-audition or seating change. Ask often. Give the impression you're about to quit. Let the conductor know you're there as a personal favour.

5. Loudly clear your throat during pauses (tenors are trained to do this from birth). Quiet instrumental interludes are a good chance to blow your nose.

6. Long after a passage has gone by, ask the conductor if your C# was in tune. This is especially effective if you had no C# or were not singing at the time.

7. At dramatic moments in the music (which the conductor is emoting), be busy marking your music so that the climaxes will sound empty and disappointing.

8. Wait until well into a rehearsal before letting the conductor know that you don't have the music.

9. Look at your watch frequently. Shake it in disbelief occasionally.

10. When possible, sing your part either an octave above or below what is written. This is excellent ear-training for the conductor. If he hears the pitch, deny it vehemently and claim that it must have been the combination tone.

11. Tell the conductor, "I can't find the beat." Conductors are always sensitive about their "stick technique" so challenge it frequently.

12. If you are singing in a language with which the conductor is the least bit unfamiliar, ask her as many questions as possible about the meaning of individual words. If this fails, ask her about the pronunciation of the most difficult words. Occasionally, say the word twice and ask her preference, making to say it exactly the same both times. If she remarks on their similarity, give her a look of utter disdain and mumble under your breath about the "subtleties of inflection".

13. Ask the conductor if he has listened to the von Karajan recording of the piece. Imply that he could learn a thing or two from it. Also good: ask, "Is this the first time you've conducted this piece?"

14. If your articulation differs from that of others singing the same phrase, stick to your guns. Do not ask the conductor which is correct until backstage just before the concert.

15. Find an excuse to leave the rehearsal about 15 minutes early so that others will become restless and start to fidget.

Make every effort to take the attention away from the podium and put it on you, where it belongs!
The amazing conductor
When a young hotshot conductor was making his debut at the Met, he showed the jaded and skeptical orchestra how well he knew the music by singing all parts of the Lucia sextet during rehearsal.

Afterwards, one musician was overheard whispering to the other, impressed, "Well, this kid really knows his stuff!"

The other replied, "I don't think he is so hot. Did you notice how flat his high E was at the end?"
Arriving at Heaven
A soprano died and went to Heaven. St. Peter stopped her at the gate asking, "Well, how many false notes did you sing in your life?"

The soprano answers, "Three."

"Three times, fellows!" says Pete, and along comes an angel and sticks the soprano three times with a needle.

"Ow! What was that for?" asks the soprano.

Pete explains, "Here in heaven, we stick you once for each false note you've sung down on Earth."

"Oh," says the soprano, and is just about to step through the gates when she suddenly hears a horrible screaming from behind a door. "Oh my goodness, what is that?" asks the soprano, horrified.

"Oh," says Pete, "that's a tenor we got some time back. He's just about to start his third week in the sewing machine."
Operas that never made it
Britten: A Midsummer Nightmare.
Mozart: The Magic Tuba.
Puccini: La Bamba.
Rossini: The Plumber of Seville.
Verdi: Rigatoni.

Choir Jokes

THE YOUNG PERSON'S GUIDE TO THE SATB CHOIR In any chorus, there are four voice parts: soprano, alto, tenor, and bass. Sometimes these are divided into first and second within each part, prompting endless jokes about first and second basses. There are also various other parts such as baritone, countertenor, contralto, mezzo soprano, etc., but these are mostly used by people who are either soloists, or belong to some excessively hotshot classical a cappella group (this applies especially to countertenors), or are trying to make excuses for not really fitting into any of the regular voice parts, so we will ignore them for now.

Each voice part sings in a different range, and each one has a very different personality. You may ask, "Why should singing different notes make people act differently?", and indeed this is a mysterious question and has not been adequately studied, especially since scientists who study musicians tend to be musicians themselves and have all the peculiar complexes that go with being tenors, french horn players, timpanists, or whatever. However, this is beside the point; the fact remains that the four voice parts can be easily distinguished, and I will now explain how.

THE SOPRANOS are the ones who sing the highest, and because of this they think they rule the world. They have longer hair, fancier jewelry, and swishier skirts than anyone else, and they consider themselves insulted if they are not allowed to go at least to a high F in every movement of any given piece. When they reach the high notes, they hold them for at least half again as long as the composer and/or conductor requires, and then complain that their throats are killing them and that the composer and conductor are sadists. Sopranos have varied attitudes toward the other sections of the chorus, though they consider all of them inferior. Altos are to sopranos rather like second violins to first violins - nice to harmonize with, but not really necessary. All sopranos have a secret feeling that the altos could drop out and the piece would sound essentially the same, and they don't understand why anybody would sing in that range in the first place - it's so boring. Tenors, on the other hand, can be very nice to have around; besides their flirtation possibilities (it is a well-known fact that sopranos never flirt with basses), sopranos like to sing duets with tenors because all the tenors are doing is working very hard to sing in a low-to-medium soprano range, while the sopranos are up there in the stratosphere showing off. To sopranos, basses are the scum of the earth - they sing too damn loud, are useless to tune to because they're down in that low, low range - and there has to be something wrong with anyone who sings in the F clef, anyway.

THE ALTOS are the salt of the earth - in their opinion, at least. Altos are unassuming people, who would wear jeans to concerts if they were allowed to. Altos are in a unique position in the chorus in that they are unable to complain about having to sing either very high or very low, and they know that all the other sections think their parts are pitifully easy. But the altos know otherwise. They know that while the sopranos are screeching away on a high A, they are being forced to sing elaborate passages full of sharps and flats and tricks of rhythm, and nobody is noticing because the sopranos are singing too loud (and the basses usually are too). Altos get a deep, secret pleasure out of conspiring together to tune the sopranos flat. Altos have an innate distrust of tenors, because the tenors sing in almost the same range and think they sound better. They like the basses, and enjoy singing duets with them - the basses just sound like a rumble anyway, and it's the only time the altos can really be heard. Altos' other complaint is that there are always too many of them and so they never get to sing really loud.

THE TENORS are spoiled. That's all there is to it. For one thing, there are never enough of them, and choir directors would rather sell their souls than let a halfway decent tenor quit, while they're always ready to unload a few altos at half price. And then, for some reason, the few tenors there are are always really good - it's one of those annoying facts of life.. So it's no wonder that tenors always get swollen heads - after all, who else can make sopranos swoon? The one thing that can make tenors insecure is the accusation (usually by the basses) that anyone singing that high couldn't possibly be a real man.. In their usual perverse fashion, the tenors never acknowledge this, but just complain louder about the composer being a sadist and making them sing so damn high. Tenors have a love-hate relationship with the conductor, too, because the conductor is always telling them to sing louder because there are so few of them. No conductor in recorded history has ever asked for less tenor in a forte passage. Tenors feel threatened in some way by all the other sections - the sopranos because they can hit those incredibly high notes; the altos because they have no trouble singing the notes the tenors kill themselves for; and the basses because, although they can't sing anything above an E, they sing it loud enough to drown the tenors out. Of course, the tenors would rather die than admit any of this. It is a little-known fact that tenors move their eyebrows more than anyone else while singing.

THE BASSES sing the lowest of anybody. This basically explains everything. They are stolid, dependable people, and have more facial hair than anybody else. The basses feel perpetually unappreciated, but they have a deep conviction that they are actually the most important part (a view endorsed by musicologists, but certainly not by sopranos or tenors), despite the fact that they have the most boring part of anybody and often sing the same note (or in endless fifths) for an entire page. They compensate for this by singing as loudly as they can get away with - most basses are tuba players at heart. Basses are the only section that can regularly complain about how low their part is, and they make horrible faces when trying to hit very low notes. Basses are charitable people, but their charity does not extend so far as tenors, whom they consider effete poseurs. Basses hate tuning the tenors more than almost anything else. Basses like altos - except when they have duets and the altos get the good part. As for the sopranos, they are simply in an alternate universe which the basses don't understand at all. They can't imagine why anybody would ever want to sing that high and sound that bad when they make mistakes. When a bass makes a mistake, the other three parts will cover him, and he can continue on his merry way, knowing that sometime, somehow, he will end up at the root of the chord.